He Never Understood
by firexkitsune
Summary: Can Kurama move on after Hiei? Will he discover himself admist his weaknesses and injuries and find the heart to love and the strength to live? KuramaxHiei Please R&R!
1. Separations

He Never Understood  
  
~Hiei's POV~  
  
"Kurama!" I cried out in my sleep and grasped for something outside my reach. Damn. I've been dreaming of that fool for days now. Next thing you know, it'll be years before I can erase him from my mind. But maybe, just maybe, I don't want to forget him.  
?  
~Kurama's POV~  
  
Our little group had finished our battles and won our wars, and we went back to our normal lives. We, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei and I grew closer during our journey. I'm glad peace is made in Makai and Ningenkai, but my heart rests unsettled. There's always this gnawing sensation that makes me feel like I'm missing something. My mother is fine, my family, the people I would die to protect are all okay. So why do I feel so empty inside? My heart aches every time I think back on those days when we were together. Something lays undone. I'm missing a very part of myself, but what?  
I can't understand. It's only been a few days since I last saw them, frolicking on the sands by a beautiful sunset. I knew it was the end, but I felt happy that it was over and we were safe again. So why do I feel differently now? I'd much rather be in peril everyday with them than to be safe, and alone.  
?  
~Hiei's POV~  
  
"Friends are a crutch for the weak, so damn it Hiei, stop thinking about them!" I shouted angrily to myself. Here I was again, back at that god forbidden tree where I last saw them together, under that ridiculous sunset. I'm alone again. None of them ever needed me. Yusuke has his mother and that silly girl. Yukina is safe with Genkai and the idiot.so maybe not entirely safe, but who am I to her anyway? She never knew, and telling her would only hurt the two of us. They're all fine. Kurama has his human family to look after. I like being alone. So why do I feel different now? There seems to be something I left unsaid that day.  
"What are you staring at?" I growled a child who seemed to find me amusing to look at. Hn. The idiocy of this human world is getting to me. Kurama may have melted the ice off my heart, but this is certainly freezing me up again. Disgusted, I settle where I can think undisturbed. What was it about Kurama that makes me feel this way? I hate everybody. I only became partners with him so I didn't have to fight him, I assured myself. But no, he's not the same. No one has ever made me tingle inside like this. I don't know how to describe this.it's not hatred, so what can it be?  
Sigh* I closed my eyes and fell back into the rhythm of a time not long passed, but already forgotten. Against my own wishes, I relived the last few moments.  
?  
~Kurama's POV~  
"Shuuichi?" A voice snaps me out of my daydream. Immediately I think of Hiei and the others, mostly Hiei, but this tender voice belonged to my mother.  
"Yes Mother?" I call back sweetly, deceiving once again. Oh well. Like she'd know what was troubling me.  
"Oh Shuuichi. You look so sad these days. I never see you smile anymore, what happened?" She rested her gentle hands on my shoulders, the scars on her arms always reminding me of what I was tied down to.  
"It's nothing you should concern yourself about." I lied, trying to seem calm, but there was a slight quiver in my voice.  
"My boy, tell me what's the matter." She sat down besides me and held me in her arms, rocking like she used to long ago.  
"I feel.different. There's something missing inside of me, ever since my um, friends left." I stammered.  
"Oh Shuuichi, one of them must have been special to you." She ran her fingers through my hair. "When there's someone special to you, and you part, it always hurts. But in time, the hurt goes away."  
"It hurts too much to bear. I used to never mind being lonely, but it's aching inside my very heart and soul."  
"Did you tell them how you really felt? Or did you two leave, neither one understanding the bond you two had?"  
"I never told him how I felt. He wouldn't have understood." I shook my head. Mother definitely did not understand Hiei.  
"But if you had, at least you would leave with a sense of completeness. At least you would leave knowing that he knew too, whether he felt the same or not." She paused, noticing the pained expression on my face. "That's the problem isn't it? You weren't sure if he felt the same way back."  
"It doesn't matter anymore, does it?" I snapped angrily, feeling the Youki inside of me burning up.  
"Well Shuuichi, I only tried to help." She held me even closer. "I don't want you to grieve forever. If you can, tell him in any way possible how you feel. Don't be afraid. At least you will have gotten it out, and you will feel better."  
"I can't."  
"Then." She seemed uncomfortable.  
"What? You want me to seem like nothing happened?" I tried to remain calm, this was my mother, the woman I vowed to make happy. A little part of her died to see me in pain, and when she was unhappy, I felt hurt inside.  
"No. You must act like that on the outside, so you don't deteriorate. But in your heart, you must never forget him. If someone made you this sad just breaking away, then they really meant something, and you can never forget that." She smiled sadly. "Feel better my boy, ok?"  
"I will. Don't worry mother." I forced a smile back. Flopping down on my bed I closed my eyes and envisioned the sunset once again. Once again I traveled back to that time. 


	2. Reminscences

?  
~Hiei's POV~  
  
"Yusuke's back!" Keiko cried, sprinting across the beach to where he stood, a half-amused grin on his face. They kissed, which I can't express how unhygienic, and all was well. Hn. We, no they, played around on the sand and the shore a bit, and watched the day come to an end. I watched the same sunset from a tree not far away. I didn't say anything to any of them.Kuso! I knew it. I should have said something that day. Maybe even a simple goodbye or good riddance..  
Another memory flashed through my head. I writhed wildly, not wanting to remember. I'm stronger than my mind.  
"Hiei!" I glanced down to see Kurama waving to me. Turning back, I didn't budge from my tree. He always waited for me there, what made today so different? I thought.  
"Hiei! I'm going back to Ningenkai to live with my mother.for good." Kurama persisted in aggravating me.  
"Don't mention that hell to me! I knew you'd chose that place over Makai.you've become nothing more than a coward! You deserve to go there." I snarled back at him, not even looking down.  
"I just wanted you to know." Kurama started to say something, but stopped. "Forget it. Goodbye Hiei." He actually seemed heavyhearted.  
"Baka." I muttered to myself. Later, I felt some sort of remorse or guilt, maybe, that I had been so harsh to him. Those insults I shouted weren't from my heart. I hoped he knew that and would come back. I had to apologize.  
"Kurama?" I peeked into his room. I could sense is presence and smell those absurd roses.  
"Hiei?" He sat not far from the window where I usually entered. "I knew you'd come. I waited for you."  
"What's this damn thing on me?!" I cursed as a small rosebush began to entangle me, digging it's sharp thorns into my flesh.  
"I didn't want any of your remarks today. I have to tell you something." He hesitated, as if the words couldn't come out.  
"Say them already! I don't have all night to fool around!" I snapped, the bush strangling the air out of me.  
"I.I .well." He glared at me. "It's not that easy to say this, but I have feelings for you, Hiei. I think we're more than typical friends or partners."  
I paused in horror at what he just said. "You! You think that way about us? I hate everybody! Friends are nothing to me, I don't need them!" I completely forgot to apologize.  
"You don't like me?" He gasped, taken back. "I thought we understood each other."  
"Baka kisama!" I roared in outrage. Yet inside, I felt somewhat pleased. The beautiful kitsune could have anyone he wanted, male or female, human or demon, and he chose me. But the pride inside me would not let me admit it. I ended it then.  
"You can go now." Kurama whispered, his face hidden in the shadows.  
"Hn." I grumbled.  
I was such an idiot then. Why hadn't I, a strong fire demon, the guts to tell him that I felt the same. I realize it now. I.I felt things for him that were the closest to love I'd ever experienced. I can almost say I loved him. Yet I can't. It's that pride thing again. Damn it. I'd lost all my chances to tell him. I realized too late.  
?  
~Kurama's POV~  
  
"We've all had a journey of a lifetime that none of us will ever forget." I started, my voice steady and strong, the tone rich and husky. "We lost some, and won some, but we won friendship most of all. Now it's time to go our own ways, but deep in the heart of things, we'll know that we'll never be alone again." This time I glanced up to notice Hiei, frowning cynically to himself, all alone on the tree branch. Part of me angered to see him so cold and aloof, even at times like this, when we knew it would be ages before we met again. Then, part of me pitied him, his little face radiating with anger, yet his mouth turned up the slightest bit, and he pulled his cloak closer to himself. I wanted to hug his cute little body and coax the stubborn emotions out. He wasn't just a human hating jerk, he had feelings too, he simply couldn't express them. "If it's pride or ego, whatever it is Hiei, let it go, and let it all come out." I whispered to myself, hoping that somehow, he would hear too.  
"Yusuke's back!" Keiko shrieked and bounded towards him. Everyone's attention turned to Yusuke, who we hadn't seen for two years, but after a few greetings, I diverted my attention back to Hiei. He disappeared from the tree after catching my eye, disgusted and ticked off. Poor demon, I thought. He had no friends, he really didn't belong with Yusuke or Kuwabara that much. He needed someone. I wanted to tell him that I would always be there, although lame as it may sound. We all promised each other that, but I felt that Hiei was especially important to me. Sigh* I missed my chance to tell him.yet he might not have reacted favorably either, just like the other time, the only other time I gathered up my guts to tell him.  
"Hiei!" I called from under his tree, a spot I always waited for him in.  
"Hn." He grunted, probably unhappy to be disturbed.  
"I have important news.I'm going to Ningenkai to live with my mother.for good." This phrase I'd been rehearsing for days now, wondering what his response would be. It took a lot out of me to tell him, and I practiced removing the hurt from my voice.  
"Don't mention that hell to me! I knew you'd chose that place over Makai.you've become nothing more than a coward! You deserve to go there." He snapped angrily. Shocked at first by his misunderstanding of the situation, I later recalled more than fury in his voice. He yelled with jealousy that I cared more for my mother than him, and he cried for me to stay with him.  
That night, I waited for him to come like he usually did. By the window I sat, for hours on end, until he eventually poked his spiked hair through my window. I created a rosebush to tie him up, so he could hear me out.  
"Hiei, I..I.have feelings for you. I think we're more than typical friends or partners." I finally managed to stutter out. What I really wanted to say was "I love you, and I need you to stay with me, forever." But I couldn't.  
"I hate everybody!" He shouted distinctly, along with other rejecting words. I felt my heart, that I had pieced together so carefully shatter into a million more pieces.  
"You don't like me?" I gasped, surprised at his reaction. Already the rejection sunk in, I would never love someone like that again.  
"Baka kisama!" He bellowed, and I let him go. The rosebush freed its grasp on him, and so did I. I never considered telling him ever again how I thought of him. My heart hadn't been mended yet.  
But maybe that last day, when I saw his loneliness and longing, I should have told him again, this time with more fervor and meaning. I had nothing to lose, it was the last day after all.  
?  
~Hiei's POV~  
  
A flower of some sort floats upon my tree branch. The blood red color reminded me too much. In fact, anything these days, regardless of how irrelevant reminded me. A flash of red, a streak of green, and my imagination would take over again. I groaned. There was not much I could do but wait for my fantasy to pass. For that time, my mind is completely blank of all things besides him, and I can't function properly. Of course I would never admit this silly human sentiment to anybody. As the daydream, a "high" so to speak finishes, a "low" takes over, and I yearn to be with him again.  
I open my eyes slowly, one at a time, glancing tentatively at the flower petal. Fingering it tenderly, the tingles in my heart nearly exploded. What did this mean??? Damn you Kurama, why did you have to leave like that? I squeezed my eyes tightly. "Don't get all emotional Hiei," I snapped to myself. "He was simply a partner, something replaceable.who do I think I'm fooling??" A hard black tear trickled from my cheek, materializing as it hit the branch. "Only you could ever make me cry, make me feel this way inside." I whispered, hoping that somehow he could hear me.  
How could I be such an idiot? Be like those ningens I vowed never to relate to? How can I have human feelings? Did Kurama teach me something? Is my heart different? I placed my hand over my chest, feeling the beating of my heart, fast and rhythmic, never slowing down or speeding up. I remembered another heart, slower than mine, the beat heavy and low.  
My head lay on his chest. He slept peacefully, his long red hair down and all over the place.  
"Kitsune!" I shook his arm gently. "Get your hair off me!"  
"Mm." He grumbled and wrapped his arms around me. "Shh. Don't say anything. I just want to be like this forever.forever holding you in my arms."  
It was at that time that I wanted to tell him how much I needed him as well. But all that came out of my mouth was, "I have other things to do too, you know." The words felt like acid in my mouth, burning my tongue with shame. How could I be so harsh and cruel?  
"Hiei." He murmured, a tear dropping onto my skin. It made me shiver, how cold it lay on my skin, clear and beautiful. I wiped it away.  
"I have to go." Those were the only words that came out of my mouth. I missed a chance.  
Stupid me. Why? Why didn't I have the guts to just admit it? I had absolutely nothing to lose; he had already told me he loved me. But, maybe he felt differently after I rejected him. I closed my eyes and placed the petal over my heart. A waft of a rose smell drifted my way. Immediately I waited for the rich voice to call my name, yet I heard nothing. Getting up, I scanned the surroundings for any glance of him. My heart stopped. He stood under my tree and glanced up, a longing expression on his face. I hid from him, but I was almost sure he saw a stroke of my black robes. This pleased me.maybe he'll look for me from now on, maybe I sparked a memory in him.  
?  
~Kurama's POV~  
  
Was that Hiei? I paused by his tree, although against my wishes. I almost hoped to see him leaning against it, bored and annoyed, like before. Perhaps it was simply my imagination that caused me to believe he was there. Perhaps that flicker of black had been nothing more than a crow or something. But then again, conceivably it could have been him.oh what am I thinking? I promised to take care of my family. Besides, he doesn't love me.does he? There was that one time.  
After my disappointment at failing to tell Hiei my feelings, I was surprised when he offered to stay the night with me. Although I was wary, I could not refuse. It was heaven, the best time of my life.  
I opened my eyes to an irritated fire demon. His head rested on my chest, and for the first time, he looked neither angry nor cold. In fact, he almost resembled a little child, peaceful and calm, even cute.  
"I could stay like this forever, with you in my arms." I whispered, trying to stir the emotions again. His heart had softened, I could tell, but his arrogance had not. Will he come to these terms and agree with me?  
"I have other things to do too, you know. I don't have time to fool around with you forever." He grumbled back. My heart that had been crudely mended during the night broke in a way that could never be healed. Please Hiei, speak from your heart, not your head.I know you had reasons for wanting to spend the night with me. But what?  
A few days later was our last day as the Urameshi team, and our last day as partners. I forced myself to forget about him, to concentrate on my family, making them happy. But that didn't give me as much pleasure as being with Hiei. Every time something black flew by, whether crow or airplane, I flinched and gave in to look at it, only to be let down each time. I almost gave up. But one last attempt. I would find him and tell him, I wouldn't care how crazy he thought I was. Love is usually crazy. You never admit it until it's too late. However, even if I do confess to him, it would only serve to satisfy my own pain, but it would never fill the emptiness inside my heart.  
? 


	3. Passings

~Third Person Omniscient~  
  
Kurama kissed his mother goodbye, knowing that it was the last time he'd see her, knowing that she'd survive fine without him. He'd only caused heartache for her anyways. He knelt by his half-brother's bedside, taking his soft features all in. These people, his family, the ones who raised him and loved him, he was abandoning them for a silly quest to find Hiei. Hiei. He didn't even show care or love for Kurama. "Why did I even bother?" Kurama wondered. "At least I'm going to try. I'm willing to give up everything, just to see his ornery face again."  
Walking down the streets of Ningenkai, Hiei felt crosser and colder than ever. He hated the sight of happy people strolling leisurely on the same sidewalk as him, and he despised the sight of lovers exchanging kisses even more. "Hn." He sneered as he pushed a couple aside. Every time he glanced a pair exchanging affections for each other, he touched his own lips, imagining how they would feel against someone else's. He stared at his own hands, wondering if they had been in good use all this time, or had they been wasted on killing. He sighed to himself, pulling his black cloak closer to his body, sinking further away from the humans, lonely and longing for something.  
Determined to find Hiei and declare his heart, Kurama crossed the border between Makai and Nigenkai, hoping to catch Hiei on the patrol. Unfortunately, Hiei was in Ningenkai, hoping to catch a glimpse of Kurama. The only person on patrol was Mukuro, who wasn't very fond of ningens, or Kurama for that matter. Spotting him, she immediately thought he was a human, yet his features were oddly familiar to her. Seeing that this was the kitsune that caused her Hiei so much stress, and heartache, she attacked him. Unaware and unprepared, Kurama took the Youki blast with his chest. It nearly blew a hole through his handsome body, but his love and stubbornness kept him alive.  
"P-please, M-m-Mukuro, w-w-where's Hiei?" He sputtered blood as he struggled to speak. Mukuro, although cruel sometimes, felt her cold heart touched as well.  
"He's not here." She finally responded, quickly glancing at the faint half-demon lying on the ground.  
"W-where is he?" Kurama whispered, each word exerted too much energy.  
"In Ningenkai." Mukuro swung around and left.  
"W-why?" Kurama muttered again, his eyes closed, not noticing that Mukuro had already left.  
"You there!" A man waved a stick at Hiei. "You look suspicious! What are you little thing doing out here in the middle of the night?"  
"Hn. Dumb ass. Wouldn't you like to know." Hiei sneered and turned to continue walking.  
"Don't give me that sass young man!" The patronizing adult called again, only to be struck down by Hiei's harsh words.  
"My best friend is gone! I have to find him, so if you don't want to see me here, I'll gladly take out your eyes." Hiei snapped as the man retreated. "Why did I just tell him that?" He wondered to himself.  
Hours passed. Kurama's condition worsened. He was delirious, imagining things that weren't there. He called out in his subconscious state crazy things, yet no one heard him.  
"Shoiri! I s-should h-have l-listened to you. I'm sorry." Tears flowed down Kurama's eyes, as he squeezed them tight. "Hiei, wherever you are, I miss you, good-bye." He sighed wearily. 'Twas the end.  
The shops closed their bright lights, and the people on the streets dwindled, however, our fire demon still remained. He scanned the surroundings speedily, nothing escaping his eagle eyes. Zooming about, he searched every inch of the town, not finding what he was looking for.  
"Where are you Kurama?" He threw his hands up in the air, giving up. 


	4. Endings and beginnings

Blink* blink* Kurama opened his eyes, expecting to meet Botan on her oar, telling him he was dead, and all was over. Instead, a white metal bed greeted him, smelling all sterile and clean. He rubbed his tired eyes and blinked fast. The hospital? How'd he get here? A small vase of flowers rested by his bed, and a few get well cards as well. How long had he laid here, this large bandage across his chest?  
"Get well my son." He read out loud from a card. Mother. His stomach tightened. What was everyone's reaction? Him sneaking out in the middle of the night, ending up with a huge hole blown out of his body. He shook his head.  
"Awake are we?" A nurse greeted him as she redressed his bandages. "Tsk. Tsk. That's a nasty wound there. Remember how you got it?"  
"Um, long story. How long have I been in here?" Kurama asked her.  
"A week or so." An intercom interrupted them, and she went to pick it up. Coming back, she stared at him with an amused grin.  
"What?"  
"Funny. No one's ever allowed to visit the intensive care unit, but that was the doctor, saying let this guy in." She opened the door.  
Kurama arched his neck to see who would enter, for he was so heavily injured, he couldn't bend his back. No one appeared at the doorway. All that was there was a package, wrapped in black cloth.  
"What is this junk?" The nurse grumbled disapprovingly. "It's so unsanitary. I'm sorry, you can't touch it, for it surely belongs in the trash." She lifted a corner up, revealing a black cloak that Kurama recognized so well. Hiei! He reached for it, but the motherly nurse shook her head. "No way. You'll get infected for sure. What a lousy joke to play on you." She muttered as she disposed of it.  
"Hiei. You didn't even bother coming to see me." Kurama whispered, his face shiny with tears. Soon, he fell asleep, comforted by his own sorrows, dreaming of when they'd meet again. Part of him was furious at Hiei, for not even caring, when he tried so hard to find him. Then, another part of him wondered what he was doing in Ningenkai that night. Could he have been searching for Kurama?  
A figure slid into room, past the nurse, past everything with his incredible speed. Kurama stirred slightly, rubbing his cheek with his hand. Had it been his imagination, or did he feel a fiery hot kiss planted there. Forcing himself awake, he opened his eyes quickly. No one there. Yet he was sure he felt those soft lips, cool upon his burning flesh, yet leaving a flaming sensation. The spot still tingled, and he smiled, his hand still upon his cheek. Hiei had come.  
Near the window, behind the heavy curtains, Hiei rested in the branches of the familiar tree, where he had sat for the past week, hoping Kurama would recover. Once he saw that his love was conscious once again, he sent his regards, as quickly as possible. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily. If only he had remained on guard duty in Makai that night.  
"Silly Kurama, why did you have to go search for me? Could it be that you weren't so turned down by my rudeness?" Hiei muttered to himself, throwing sticks and rocks at the humans below. He had returned to Makai, heavy hearted, not having seen a trace of Kurama. Mukuro waited for him as usual, yet with a grim face.  
"Your friend was here." She mumbled, not looking him in the face.  
"Hn?" Hiei wondered what she could be talking about.  
"You know. The red haired one."  
"Kurama?"  
"Yeah."  
"Where is he now?" Hiei demanded, annoyed at her reluctance.  
"Oh maybe still by the border." Mukuro seemed nervous.  
"Let's go get him woman!" Hiei nearly flew to the border. Something red, very red caught his eye. On the ground, lay his lovely Kurama, his hair red, his whole body soaked red from his blood.  
"What happened Mukuro?" Hiei grabbed her throat, well aware that she was much stronger than he.  
She didn't fight back, just sighed, "I don't know."  
"Don't lie to me!" Hiei snarled angrily. Fear flashed in Mukuro's eyes.  
"I thought he was an idiot walking into Makai, it was not until it was too late that I realized it was him." She lied.  
"Y-y-you!" Hiei gritted his teeth, but didn't say anything else.  
"Are you all right?" Mukuro asked gently, noticing the tears in his eyes.  
"No! Go!" Hiei didn't turn around as he pointed for her to leave. Sensing something, she hurried away.  
"Kurama." Hiei stroked the bloody hair of his best friend. "I'll save you yet."  
In Ningenkai, Hiei was greeted with odd stares as he carried the battered Kurama into the hospital. Short in stature, and irritated at face, it appeared odd for him to be carrying a sword.  
"Um, how did this wound come to be, sir?" The receptionist asked timidly.  
"I don't know. Just cure him the human way, ok?" He snapped back, ready to leave.  
"And you are?"  
"Just a friend."  
Sniff* Kurama took a long whiff of fresh air. Finally allowed to rest in a regular room, he opened the windows and enjoyed everything. Still wondering how he got in the hospital, but he suspected Mukuro brought him here, for she could not let him just die on her hands.  
"Oh Shuuichi!" Shiori entered the room, her arms outstretched. She embraced Kurama tenderly, making sure not to touch his wounds.  
"Mother!" Kurama grinned.  
"Oh darling, how did this happen to you? What were you doing out in the middle of the night?" Shiori asked.  
"I-I." Kurama didn't know what to say. He couldn't tell her the truth, not did he wish to lie to her. "I went looking for someone, and I got attacked on the way." That was the closest to the truth he could say.  
"Oh dear, don't ever run from my side again." As they talked, Hiei, looked on from out the window.  
"Damn it. I know that fool will stay forever in Ningenkai now." A rogue tear escaped from his eyes.  
"Bye Shuuichi." Shiori patted his head, and gazed lovingly at his sleeping figure.  
Again Kurama felt the hot kiss upon his cheek, this time it was done more passionately, as if it were the last time. He woke up in a flash and left his bedside. Sensing Hiei's spirit, he slipped out the window, ignoring the pain in his chest. The bandages, poorly wrapped, unraveled to reveal a still bloody gash. Hiei noticed all this, yet said nothing. He watched as Kurama stumbled around, in his hospital robes, looking for him. He strained against walking up to Kurama and saying, "Here I am." He knew Kurama's decision and didn't want to interfere.  
"Kurama, that was my good-bye." Hiei whispered and shook his head. In Makai, when he carried Kurama to the hospital, he told him that he loved him forever.  
"Kurama, eien ni aisiteiru.itsumademo." Hiei repeated those words to himself, and added. "Arigatou."  
"Hiei?" Kurama whirled around, his senses still quite sharp.  
Hiei sped away to the top of another building, hiding. He felt a twinge in his heart as Kurama scoured the streets, searching for someone who wished not to be found.  
"Are you okay?" A man asked Kurama, noticing the large gash on his chest.  
"I'm fine." Kurama sputtered back. In reality, the pain was killing him, but the ache in his heart hurt more.  
"Good bye Kurama." Hiei whispered as he left for good.  
"H-hiei? Wh-where are you?" Kurama staggered and collapsed, his breathing heavy, his bandages all unraveled. "Watashi wa anata wo aisiteiru!" He fell, and struggled to stand. "Do you hear me Hiei?" He yelled with all his remaining strength. "I know you are there."  
"I heard." Hiei jumped back down, as Kurama lapsed into unconsciousness again. He covered the poor kitsune with hot kisses and bathed him in his salty tears. "But I have to leave. You know I do. And you have your own place in this world too."  
"Mm." Kurama stirred as Hiei left, trying not to look back.  
"I'm sorry it had to end like this." Hiei shook his head.  
He could imagine Kurama, intelligent, reasonable, and calm in his head. "Hiei, it was great while it lasted. Not everything is forever, but we are. Remember that. Forever in my heart, there'll be a section reserved for that sarcastic, cynical fire demon. Even if I love someone else, I'll never love him or her as much as you. You know that."  
"I do. I agree." Hiei found no other words to say. 


	5. A Time to Move on

Hey! This is somewhat like Season II of He Never Understood. Some OC-or whatever you call them- characters are introduced and more heart wrenching moments. Enjoy!  
  
Once again Kurama opened his eyes to a blurry white, sterile world. In the hospital again? He wondered groggily, still drugged and confused. The nightstand by his side had yet more cards piled upon it, wishing him a swift recovery.  
  
"How long have I been here?" He muttered to himself, browsing through the cards and reading the messages of concern inside.  
  
"Awake are we?" The plump-faced nurse smiled. "We've been worried about you, leaving the hospital like that." She shook her head. "Then we found you on the streets, unconscious, tears streaming down your cheeks. Strange. Well, I'm glad you're awake after these past two weeks. Your mother would be very happy this visit."  
  
"She's coming to visit?"  
  
"She's come everyday for two weeks now, for the same sorry hour, praying for a miracle to save her son." The nurse drew up the blinds. "It's almost time for her daily visit."  
  
Kurama closed his eyes, his thick lashes fringed with tears. He didn't want to see Shiori, he knew seeing her would make him feel guilty again, guilty for being so weak and dependent on her, when he should be the strong one. He cursed the tears that wouldn't stop and vowed to seem perfectly happy during his time with his mother. He needed to stay strong for her, for the only reason he was needed in this sorry world. He sighed deeply, the ache in his throbbing heart overcoming the physical pain of his poorly attended wound. Struggling to stay awake for Shiori, Kurama found his eyelids heavy and his view hazy as he drifted off to sleep again. He had fought for quite some while, trying to keep his strength, to be strong again and push away those human needs, but he couldn't  
  
Shiori entered the room minutes after Kurama dozed off. The nurse in the hallway had told her of a surprise, but upon seeing her slumbering son, the hopeful smile vanished off her face.  
  
"Oh Shuuichi!" She cried as she rushed over to his side. She placed her face in his pale hand and sobbed. The noise and movements made Kurama shift and open his eyes. He glanced down at his mother, the poor woman he had caused so much trouble and was determined to make her happy again. There was nothing else to live for.  
  
He squeezed her hand gently with all his remaining strength. As she lifted her teary eyes to meet his, he smiled, attempting to seem strong again.  
  
"Hey." He forced his exhausted human body to sit up, pleasing Shiori tremendously. "Shuuichi!" She started to embrace him, then stopped. "You might be too weak."  
  
"No mother, it's alright, I'm feeling much stronger now." He tried his hardest to smile like nothing was wrong. His mother, simple in her human ways pressed him tightly to herself.  
  
"Oh Shuuichi, I'm so glad you're okay. Don't ever run from me again like that." She sighed contentedly and smoothed his tangled hair.  
  
"I'll always protect you." He whispered.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"Oh nothing." Kurama grinned nervously. Why did I say that? He wondered. It was true, but Shiori should never know that. He sighed again and tried to stay awake, listening to his excited mother talk about the happenings of the town.  
  
"Bye! See you tomorrow, my son." Shiori blew him a kiss. "I love you!"  
  
After she left, Kurama snuggled down into his covers to rest his worn out body. All that was on his mind was Hiei. He couldn't remember hearing him say good-bye, but his heart knew it was true. Perhaps it was time to move on, he thought. Perhaps I should stop blaming ourselves and concentrate on protecting the happiness of his mother. He touched his heart, where the wound was deepest, both emotionally and physically. He breathed many times, trying to retain the composure he was known for.  
  
"With this life that I have left, with this power of mine that remains, I will protect you, Shiori." He muttered and wiped his eyes. No tears this time. "I won't succumb to pain anymore, I will take it all in. I won't run from the inevitable, I won't hope for the impossible. I will live in today, and live for today. No longer will I lament about what could have been, I will be content with my place in this world." He allowed one last solitary tear to fall from his handsome face.  
  
"Perhaps I can divert this love, this pain in my heart towards something else, and make it into strength. I can forget and move on." He whispered to himself as he fell asleep again.  
  
Season II! This one is going to cause some er, "uproar" in the readers. Grins evilly*  
  
But don't worry; I love Kurama and Hiei together, so together they'll stay. But not in the way most people think.  
  
Next episode: Introducing Yanagi 


	6. Introducing Yanagi!

Ok. From now on, I'm going to write forever in third person omniscient. It's too difficult to switch between characters in first person. :P  
  
A ray of light penetrated the thin curtains and rested itself on Kurama's peaceful face. He twitched in the unusual warmth and slowly opened his eyes. "Good morning," He yawned, stretching his arms.  
  
"Why aren't we feeling better today!" The smiling nurse fixed his IV. "Your mother should be especially happy this visit!"  
  
Kurama pushed his body into an upright position. Damn, he thought. I have to deal with another hour of Shiori and the anxiety I cause her. Maybe I'll just pretend to sleep this time. He stared blankly into the plate of bland mush placed on his lap.  
  
"Eat up! You'll need your strength if you want to go home." The nurse brought a tray of sterile needles, all painkillers, Kurama assumed.  
  
"No!" Kurama pushed her away as she tried to inject him. "I don't want any drugs today!" He wanted to feel alive, not sleepy and dreamy all the time.  
  
"Honey, it stops the pain. You won't hurt anymore!"  
  
"No!" Kurama cried. "I don't feel much pain anymore." He lied, although the pain was excruciating and bore through his very soul, he needed it. He didn't want to hide or run from pain, he wanted to deal with it by himself. "I will get stronger faster this way."  
  
"Doctor's orders honey, I have to give them to you." The nurse sighed. "But perhaps you wish to stay conscious when your mother visits. Tell you this, I'll wait until after you have your chat with your mother, and then I'm going to have to give you the shots. Now don't beg me for them now." She winked and left him alone.  
  
So lonely, Kurama sighed as he stared out the wide window, watching the happy humans carry on their lives. "I'm bedridden, I'm alone, and I'm weak." He squeezed his eyes shut. "What is there left to live for? There's no one in this world for me anymore. Sure, I have Shiori and my half- brother, but who are they to me? I love them, but I don't feel anything for them. I'll protect them, because it is my duty. I'll forever love them, because I owe everything to them. I have nothing else." He tried to lean closer to the window, but his human body could not cooperate. "Hiei. Why did you leave me here?" He hugged his shivering body, feeling angry. But at what?  
  
"Shuuichi."  
  
Kurama turned his head towards the clock, so it's about time Shiori came, he thought. But wait, that's not her voice. He cautiously shifted towards the doorway, where a strange girl stood, flowers in her hand, smiling at him. A ray of the glimmering afternoon sun hit her short brown hair, giving her a sort of halo. Her grey-gold eyes sparkled as she walked to his bedside.  
  
"Where's Shiori?" Was all Kurama could say.  
  
"She couldn't come today, didn't the nurse tell you?" The girl smiled again, not a sympathetic smile, not even a kind one, it was just slightly creepy. "I'm Hoseki Yanagi."  
  
Kurama stared at her hand that she stuck out. Tentatively, he slid his hand into hers and gave what he hoped to be a firm handshake.  
  
"I know you probably don't know me." She sat down on the stool where Shiori usually sat. Kurama stared at her uneasily, warily, his senses alert, but dulled by his injuries. "Ms. Minamino invites me over sometimes, and I help her. I heard that her son, you, was in this hospital, and I really wanted to see you. So when she was too busy today, I happily offered to come in her place."  
  
"How come she was busy today? She has came for nearly three weeks now." Kurama asked doubtfully.  
  
"Oh Shuuichi, I can call you that right? Your mother is a very busy woman, she can't look after you all your life, and you have to deal with it." She grinned nearly evilly, her voice sickly sweet.  
  
Huffing and puffing in irritation, Kurama could not take that ninny's talk anymore. Gathering his strength and poise, he griped her neck, "Don't talk to me like that. You know nothing."  
  
"You don't truly love your mother, after all she's done for you." Yanagi laughed bitterly. "You're pathetic, Shuuichi."  
  
"W-what?" Kurama shouted in astonishment. "Who are you?"  
  
"Hoseki Yanagi."  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Don't worry darling Shuuichi, your mother is coming to pick me up, so you can ask her yourself, if it doesn't trouble her too much." She patted his hand speciously and laughed.  
  
He gritted his teeth throughout the remainder of the hour, ignoring Yanagi's comments. Something told him that this girl was trouble, something unusual stood out about her. Besides, he told himself, how could anyone understand my true feelings? I've always kept them inside my calm exterior.  
  
"Shuuichi! Yanagi!" Shiori's voice broke the silence. "How was it? Are you feeling better?"  
  
"Oh Ms. Minamino!" Yanagi jumped up, a broad smile plastered on her face. "We had a wonderful time!"  
  
Kurama grunted, extremely irritated.  
  
"Shuuichi, when you get let out for a day or two, you must go visit Yanagi, she is the sweetest girl. You seem so solitary here, always expressionless. I need to see you smile sometimes." Shiori put her arm affectionately around Yanagi and Kurama.  
  
"Oh you must!" Yanagi blushed. "I'll wait outside for you, Ms. Minamino, so you can have some time with your son. See you Shuuichi." Behind Shiori's back, Yanagi winked and stuck out her tongue.  
  
"I don't like her." Kurama spat out bluntly.  
  
"Darling, I know you love someone that you once told me about, but don't you think it's time you let your heart decide and choose?" She set her hand tenderly on his chest. "It probably aches inside, doesn't it?"  
  
Kurama nodded.  
  
"We can mend it! Go out with some of your friends, someone your own age, have some fun!"  
  
"I have no friends." He muttered resentfully.  
  
"Surely you care about someone!" Shiori cried desperately.  
  
"No." Kurama shook his head. "My heart has forgotten how to love."  
  
So the days passed, and he didn't see Yanagi for quite a long time. His strength grew, as well as his energy and senses. Still, the thorns that embedded themselves deep in his heart had not healed. Nor would they ever heal, he thought. The number of thorns only multiplied as his loneliness and self-hatred intensified.  
  
"Shuuichi, long time no see."  
  
Kurama, standing up for the first time, stopped gazing out the window to see whom it was. "You again."  
  
"Yes, it is I, Hoseki Yanagi." She smiled as usual, more kindly this time. Stepping closer to him, she didn't seem all that bad.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Visiting you." She pulled him down onto a chair. "Don't be so defensive. I came of my own accord. I'm sorry our first meeting went so poorly."  
  
"Hn." Kurama grumbled, surprising himself with how much like Hiei he sounded.  
  
"Tell me what's wrong." She reached for his hand, but he snatched it away. "Please, I care about you. I've spoken to your mother many times since the day I saw you, and well, you're not usually like this."  
  
"How would you know?"  
  
"Please, tell me what's wrong." She touched his hand lightly and Kurama accepted it.  
  
He took a deep breath. This was the first bit of human compassion ever given to him during his long hospital stay. Sure Shiori cared, but she was his mother. But this girl, Yanagi, she didn't know him, know the weakness that lurked underneath, yet she still cared. "My heart will never heal." He started.  
  
She stared at him intently, waiting for more.  
  
"I lost all I ever had." Pause* "And I doubt I'll ever get it back."  
  
Er. I kind of want to know what you guys' opinions on Yanagi are so far. She's not supposed to be the good guy, just as a side note.  
  
Have Fun!!! Next episode: Enough Love? 


	7. Enough Love?

Hey! Feedback on the story thus far is welcomed! I think I'll make this one of those 70 chapter-no ending-irritating as hell-but enjoyable stories... those are my favorites.  
  
"He left me to die." Kurama whispered as he finished recounting his tale to a wide-eyed and engrossed Yanagi.  
  
"Does that make him the worse person?" Yanagi finally asked.  
  
"What do you mean? I was injured, nearly dying, and I went out to seek him. He was selfish, hiding from me when he knew I was weak and couldn't find him. He ravaged my heart and took what little love I even had and mangled it into hate."  
  
Yanagi shook her head again. "I don't think you understand. Have you ever thought why he left so suddenly? Perhaps he believed that leaving you there was for the better, that if he stayed, he would only hurt you more."  
  
Kurama lay there thinking and came up with no conclusion. His insular mind couldn't possibly imagine the cold sardonic Hiei having any thoughts like that. Somehow, he couldn't see beyond the Hiei on the outside.  
  
"No, my friend was definitely not the type to be considerate about others. He acted for himself, and luckily, most of the time it was favorable towards me as well." Kurama sighed.  
  
"How can you simply think that way?" Yanagi cried in shock. "Shuuichi, I believed that you were caring and understanding of everyone, but you didn't even understand your best friend. He left for his reasons and you misinterpreted them."  
  
"So what? He's gone Yanagi. He's never going to come back. He called me weak for staying here; in this place he despised most. He would never consider me his equal again."  
  
"I thought we progressed past this point. I thought you told me you had the strength to move on with your life."  
  
"What else is there to live for?"  
  
"Your family, your friends, any other loved ones you had."  
  
"Tsk." Kurama snorted acrimoniously. "What loved ones? He took my heart, the whole thing; I dedicated all of it to healing his hurt. I got nothing back. I never spent any of my precious love on anyone else, there wasn't enough."  
  
"Your family? Shiori?"  
  
"I care about them because, well, because I feel that it's my duty to protect them. That's all, I feel unconditional, almost forced love. That's different from the true love in my heart, that's now all gone."  
  
"Shuuichi, you can't possibly be so desolate. I'm sure a young handsome man like yourself had some friends."  
  
Kurama's thoughts flew back to Yusuke, Kuwabara, and the rest of the gang. He shook his head slightly, as if to shake all those remembrances out of his mind. "They're all gone. They all went their own ways, leaving me here. Even though staying here was partially my choice, I feel left out and alone."  
  
"There's always love in someone's heart. You can't use that as an excuse."  
  
"Then where did it all go? I was always somewhat composed and calm, never letting my true feelings or tension show on my face. Yet I've never been like this. Now I'm just bitter and hurt in ways that I don't even know about."  
  
Suddenly Yanagi whispered, "Do you love me Shuuichi?"  
  
Kurama stared back, his face a mixture of surprise and dismay.  
  
"Please tell me honestly."  
  
Kurama closed his eyes and his lips parted into a gentle smile. "Of course I love you Yanagi. You're so sweet and kind to me." As soon as those words left his mouth he cursed himself in his mind. He hated how he put false hope and happiness into another being.  
  
Placing her hand on his, Yanagi muttered, "Then you do have love enough. Being hurt is only part of the process of love. Would you ever gather the shreds of your heart and forgive him?"  
  
"Never." Kurama refused to talk about Hiei. "He thinks I'm selfish to not consider his feelings and stay with my family here instead of being with him. It's him who's insensitive! I have a family here that I have to protect and love and care for. And he has..."  
  
"No one." Yanagi looked up. "Am I right? Aren't you the only one he ever cared for?"  
  
Mukuro. Her name flashed into his mind. Hiei always was fond of her. "No, he has someone else where he is. She was the one that inflicted this wound upon me."  
  
"Did he love her more?"  
  
"Presumably, since he is with her right now."  
  
"Shuuichi, are you sure? I have a feeling your friend might be suffering guilt and the same loneliness you are. Why would he choose you in the first place if he didn't like you?"  
  
"So he didn't have to fight me."  
  
"Who are you?" Yanagi seemed puzzled, yet a little too interested and calm.  
  
Kurama didn't notice any of the unusual airs around Yanagi and laughed. He coughed lightly and responded, "I'm not anyone anymore, but I once was one of the most powerful demons." He sighed. "Now I've chosen to become a human and live with my family."  
  
"You've abandoned your previous life? It seems so."  
  
"I don't forsake anything in life."  
  
"But you are the one that left your friend, not the other way around. You chose to live here."  
  
"I had no choice!" Kurama shouted, the raggedness of his strained and tired voice showing through. "Stop making me feel like I'm the one that should be guilty and at fault! He was the one that left me! He could have lived here fine, I survive, and I'm strong enough to cope. Why can't he? He was the weak one, who had to have his way and live in his perfect little world away from the silly humans that he despised." He took a deep breath and his chest heaved in and out.  
  
"Why do you always run away? I'm not saying either of you is totally responsible. Perhaps both of you were just too stubborn to compromise and both made the wrong decisions. Why can't you start over?"  
  
"He's gone. He never wants to come back." Kurama shook his head. "I admitted I was also the weak one, relying on someone like that so dependently. Now without him, I can't even function."  
  
"It's your injuries..." Yanagi started.  
  
"Tsk. I'm starting to even sound like him, bitter and cynical. I was never like this before."  
  
"Maybe you're going through what he went through. It's this loneliness and confining hospital atmosphere that makes you feel this way. I'm sure if you took a day out when you feel a little stronger you'll feel much better."  
  
"Tsk." Kurama grumbled. "I've been in here how long? How many months? I have barely healed physically on the outside. The internal and mental damage would take much longer."  
  
"Aw come on, be more optimistic." Yanagi glanced at the clock. "Oh I have to go Shuuichi, see you tomorrow." As she politely hugged him and opened the door, she added, "And you better have thought this over and have a brighter outlook tomorrow. Life could be worse. Be more understanding. I believe that's the center of all your problems. Bye!"  
  
Dropping his head on his pillow, Kurama listened to the patter of her feet running down the stairs. All was silent again and he lay there, quiet and alone, the only sound in the room was of his IV dripping slowly. Each droplet of chemicals entered the tube with a tiny splash, methodically and endlessly. He gritted his teeth, annoyed at the stupid sound and ripped it out of his arm. He switched on the TV for some sound in the impersonal room. A comedy flipped on, the laughter of the audience shrill and penetrating. He quickly flipped to another channel, the happiness drilling through his mind. A romantic movie was on, a beautiful couple strolling along a sunset beach, perfect, complete with sappy music. Irritated again, he shut the stupid thing off altogether.  
  
"Why am I so stressed out and aggravated at the littlest things? Is it because I'm still in this moronic place, trying to heal from a silly scratch? My body isn't cooperating!" He gnashed his teeth together and yelled to himself. "Maybe I am going insane from being so cooped up. Perhaps I do need to get out with some young people around here, make new friends and start a new life. I'm young, merely 18, I can start anew and forget my past, hide it from everyone else. No one would notice. Look at me, I'm talking to myself. Maybe I do need a day off. . ."  
  
* Poor Kurama! Next episode he gets his wish- a day off with Yanagi. His feelings start to blossom for the strange girl, and he discovers some things about her past. A Weeping Willow. 


	8. Weeping Willow

Eh. . . a very short chapter. I felt really strange while writing this at like midnight, so brace yourselves. Sorry if I get a tad bit redundant, but I really want everyone to understand Kurama's emotions at this time.  
  
Finally Kurama is outside. Oh boy.  
  
Kurama stared out the window of the shiny yellow-hopefully they're that color in Japan- taxicab as Yanagi sat silently beside him. It was his big first day out of the hospital-of course not forever, but even a day in the fresh air was welcoming. He breathed deeply, the air sharp and strange in his nostrils, which had grown used to the stale, sterile hospital air. The light and bright colors pained his eyes, which squinted and refused to wear the cheap sunglasses Yanagi bought. The chill of the light breeze also surprised him, but he still kept the window rolled down.  
  
Finally, after a completely quiet ride, they stopped at a peaceful park. Yanagi led him to a pavilion with a few benches underneath. Kurama didn't want to talk or do anything, just sit and there and soak in the sunshine, breathe in the crisp air, close his eyes and imagine somewhere happier and better. Forever.  
  
"Does this make you feel better?" Yanagi placed her hand on his shoulder gently. "Fresh air always refreshes the body and mind. Anyway, today is just too beautiful to feel any misery."  
  
"I suppose." Kurama mumbled. Sure he felt freer and livelier, but he was still injured and incapable of doing all the things he wanted to and loved. He was impatient to get well, aching for a one shot cure. He knew that it was possible for something to cure him right away. He simply needed something to stir up that dormant youkai blood in him and give him the will to live again. He needed a purpose for his existence, something worth his while on earth. He had nothing right now, he didn't care anymore about himself, and he believed that the world would be possibly better off without him.  
  
"What are you wondering Shuuichi?"  
  
"Nothing much."  
  
"Watching you is so depressing!" Yanagi shook her head. "Come on, it's your day out, you're supposed to have fun, loosen up and enjoy yourself! Smile! You don't do anything but frown nowadays, and most of the time you have no emotions. Lighten up and take pleasure from this lovely day!"  
  
"Tsk." Kurama spat. "Right. Like I can enjoy this morning knowing that every other morning from now on is probably going to be spent in my hospital room. I'm this way because I'm calmly accepting my fate. I don't want to be hysterical and try to heal when I know I can't."  
  
"You'll get better soon, don't be so pessimistic! Time heals all wounds."  
  
"Some wounds don't heal, ever." Those words flung out so easily from his mouth and hit Yanagi with a pang.  
  
"Yours will probably just take longer. I'm here by your side."  
  
"Whatever." Kurama turned away, running from the inevitable conversation.  
  
"You don't even care about yourself anymore? If you stay this way, you definitely won't get well."  
  
"I lost the will to live, Yanagi, if you really want to know. I lost that something that I actually looked forwards to everyday. I don't care anymore, I admit it. I'm perhaps even better off dying."  
  
"You can't feel that way!" Yanagi whispered. "Why though Kurama? Don't you see the beauty in the world? You have a perpetual cloud over your head, and these days it started raining on you. You don't have to bear the entire suffering of mankind on your shoulders, or demon-kind, whatever you are."  
  
"I'm not like you, you silly girl!" Kurama gathered up his strength to stand up and yell. "You don't understand this world! I've been here hundreds of times more than you have. All you have is your silly clichés and generalizations! All you believe in is silly, inane hopes and dreams! Well I'm hardened by reality and the real world is cruel and unforgiving. I've done wrong in my past life and this life. . . this is my punishment!" He huffed and puffed, but continued onwards. "I'm reduced to this pathetic human state, I've lost everything, I don't have control over my life, my freedom, so why should I live? I don't want to be part of this human suffering anymore. I've seen and been through enough, maybe even too much for a million lifetimes."  
  
Yanagi stared at him with those wide eyes rimmed with tears. "Shuuichi, why do you say those things when you still have most of your life ahead of you? When so many people care about and love you? When people would die for you? Are you going to let all of them down as well? It's not fair. Look beyond what's in front of your eyes. I'm not a wise man, or a shrink, but I understand people like you. You need to see from both sides, there are wonderful things to your life that you have been too blind to notice."  
  
"True Yanagi. I considered cheering up and just living what life I have left to it's fullest, but that doesn't satisfy me. Life isn't fair. I don't want to do this, but I lost the fight in me. All I have left is flight. It's a battle between life and me, and I'm afraid that I can't win."  
  
"It won't be easy to win, but you can. Just don't forfeit when you've come so far already."  
"You wouldn't understand." Kurama's anger subsided. All he felt now was pity for Yanagi, the poor girl who tried everything to "comprehend and analyze" him. He almost had an impulse to laugh out loud and tell her to quit trying. There was no use wasting energy on reforming him, he had almost entirely made up his mind. There was no more of those equivocal answers to his questions, no more of the irresoluteness.  
  
"I'm like you Shuuichi. I may not have the same past, but I'm being honest when I say that I understand."  
  
"I doubt anyone does."  
  
"Do you know why I'm close to Shiori? It's not because I'm a goody- goody little girl. It's because I don't have a mother, she died when I was eight. I blamed it all on myself. . . it was all because I ran away because I thought she hated me. I sensed something rebellious and eerie in my veins that day. She drove in the ice and snow to find me, and upon seeing my face sped up to reach me. . . and was crushed by an oncoming car. How horrible is that? I caused her death because of my own selfishness and evilness."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I almost lost my strength to live and care about the things I used to love. I found out that I was a 'demon', as my father called me. He hated me more than ever, and no matter what I did, I never seemed to be able to redeem myself in his eyes. No one had outright blamed it on me, but I felt as if I had to try harder or I would disappoint everyone, especially her. I detested myself forever."  
  
"But you are still here and oddly happy."  
  
"I found that I felt better if I helped others, so I volunteered, donated my time and efforts, anything to get rid of my guilt. Sure it worked for a while, but I still was unsure of who I really was. That's when I met Shiori and you. You gave me the will to live."  
  
"Me? But how? I never believed in myself, never."  
  
"Your story touched me so much. I'm not a real demon, but I researched them and their tales of plight and terror. It fascinated me so much." She inched closer to him. "I love you Shuuichi. I'll do anything to close that gap in your heart. I know you'll never forget, that's asking too much. I won't be a replacement and he won't just be a memory."  
  
"I. . . Yanagi, I almost thought I forgot the emotion of love. I didn't love anyone in the hospital, not Shiori, not even Hiei." Kurama leaned his head against her. "I don't think you're the uttermost inspiration I need, but I do feel a lot better. Some weight has been lifted from my heart, I do think it has softened a bit."  
  
Yanagi held him close and cried, her tears streaming uncontrollably down her cheeks. "I'll do anything to see you smile again, I'll give anything for you to heal. You are not alone in this world with your agony Shuuichi, never feel that way. Forever there will be someone who loves you, whoever you are, wherever you are."  
  
Kurama let the weeks of suppressed tears and emotions loose as he cried and kissed her wet cheeks. "Thank you Yanagi." Yet he still felt as if he had only found a part of what he was missing, not the whole thing. He still sensed that he was better off dying, so he couldn't hurt anyone anymore. He had touched so few lives and hurt them all. . .  
  
Another part of him flamed in fury at Yanagi's actions towards him. Who was she to play on his emotions, his sensitive time to use him to her advantage. He so desperately wanted to believe those soothing words, so desperately wanted to trust her and love her, but he couldn't bring himself to. The hatred of everything grew so deep inside of him; he had no point to live anymore. He wanted Yanagi's friendship, her love and comfort that he missed, but he didn't want to forget Hiei. Although he lost all hope in the beauty of the world, a part of him still tingled at the mention of Hiei's name, and flashes of his memory quieted him for weeks. He didn't want to give that up, but somehow, he knew he couldn't have them both. He had to choose, and he didn't want to. Yanagi promised she would always be there for him, where was Hiei? Yanagi cared so much for him and cried for him, what about Hiei?  
  
"Dammit!" Kurama cursed as he returned to the hospital room. "Why am I comparing them, when they are so entirely different, and I need them both for different situations? Why am I forcing my heart to decide when there's nothing to choose? Hiei isn't here; he's gone, perhaps forever. . . Yanagi is here, and she won't leave me. I'm giving her a piece of my heart, but only a piece, for the last time I loved, I gave it all away, and it shattered beyond repair. I'm going to open up and trust her and love her, for I believe Hiei would want me to move on."  
  
He stared out at the clear sky, the stars and moon shining radiantly through the window. "Where are you Hiei? I don't want you to hate me, but you're not here, and I have to carry on with my life. I can't and don't want to lament and hope silly, outlandish hopes for the rest of my life. I guess its goodbye." He turned away, detesting himself and his choice.  
  
"Why can't I be strong and just love Hiei?" He shouted to himself suddenly. "There's nothing hard about this! No, it won't be goodbye, until he tells me it himself, until we meet again and agree that it's not going to work. Then, it would be goodbye. But, a goodbye isn't forever."  
  
Hi people! Kurama is being very fickle right now, and might annoy a lot of you. And don't worry, I did state this fic was KuramaxHiei, so not much romance will flourish between him and Yanagi- next time, we hear from Hiei. . . it's been a while Hiei's Last Remark 


	9. Hiei's Last Remark

Finally, the anticipated return of Hiei...

One lovely sunny day, when Kurama, like all the gorgeous days before, lay in his hospital bed and sighed, something arrived for him. Unlike the usual excessive vase of flamboyant flowers, or the polite "get well" card from random people, this package broke the monotonous cycle of his hospital day. It bothered him slightly, like many little things those days. Weeks ago, he might have actually sat up in excitement and tore the bulky envelope open, but not anymore. He stared, perplexed at the crudely closed envelope in his hands, the address written crookedly and the stamp not even in its corner. There was no return address.

For a second he let his mind off his own self-pity and loathing to wonder, just a tiny inkling of curiosity, who the letter was from. Cautiously opening it, he closed his eyes, expecting the worst, but found rather neatly folded papers inside and something else, heavy in the corner of the envelope. He didn't why, but his heart raced, and something deep in the depths of his troubled mind clicked. Although there was no name or sign anywhere, he knew who it was from. The large, childish handwriting read:

i "Baka Kitsune!" /i 

Kurama found himself unconsciously smiling. What a greeting.

i "For the second time in my life, I cried.

I swear, someday I'll get you and your damned roses for this." /i 

The envelope sat heavily in Kurama's lap. The object in the corner found its way in Kurama's palm and he examined the solidified black tear. Pretty big.

i "I hate you Kurama." /i 

Kurama's head jerked up, and he realized that he had been sitting upright. Did he really mean that?

i "You had to be there in Ningenkai, always drawing my attention there,

Distracting me. I despise you for making me feel this way. I feel weak.

Vulnerable. That I couldn't even control my own emotions. . .

Yet, somehow, I really can't describe it, but I sort of miss you?

Only a little. I need you by my side. . . but only to make sure you won't

Kill me in secret. You're my opponent! At least I thought so.

Yet in truth, I somehow can't really function without you." /i 

Kurama wiped his own tears from his eyes. Hiei! He had lost that arrogant masculinity and stubbornness to admit his true feelings!

i "What am I saying? I sound more like you everyday, damn Kitsune.

I need to forget you. We've been through this already. There's no need for us anymore.

We're all fine and safe. You are Kurama, I am, well me. We're both different.

We chose different paths to go in life. I can't take a detour and be with you.

Our paths never cross again. I refuse to spend my existence like a foolish ningen,

Allowing my emotions to change the way I am, allowing others to affect my life.

I don't need you anymore." /i 

Thoughts rushed in Kurama's head. Hiei's wavering and confusing letter left Kurama worried. What is he thinking? I don't understand anything anymore. Have I really been so out of reality?

i "I know you're wondering what I'm thinking, what I mean by this, how could I be this way. Of all people and demons, Kurama, you should understand me most of all.

Unless you played with my hidden feelings all this time.

Unless I was wrong about you.

You're probably loving it in Ningenkai and forgot me until this letter.

Well, it's all the better.

Knowing you probably never cared makes parting easier." /i 

"How. . . how could he say I never cared? Look at me now Hiei!" Kurama crumpled the letter in his hands. "You don't understand you selfish little shrimp! How can I care, when I don't even have the hope to keep living, when I want to die, so I'll be a little bit closer to those I love, to you? I care so much, too much, that I'm forced to repress it, or else it would have overwhelmed me already." He waited until his blast of anger passed by, and smoothed out the letter and read on.

i "Perhaps it's time I loosened up a little from my cold and indifferent exterior.

Inside Kurama, I, I don't want to do this, but I'm fighting my stronger side.

I can't break free and change." /i 

"Do you want to Hiei?" Kurama muttered bitterly. "Then you would have to face everything you've done to hurt people. Their suffering would devour you, their pain would become yours. Its for the best that people don't care about others, or suffering would be excessively rampant."

i "The cage around my heart has been there too long.

I'm parting with you now, you were the only person I ever remotely opened up to.

I'm leaving now, no one will ever see this side of me again.

There's so much unsaid, so much I haven't done.

It's not you I hate, but myself.

I'm weak because I tried to be strong.

You made me realize that there was someone hiding inside.

Is it too late to tell Yukina that she has a brother that loves her?

Is it too late to tell that idiot Kuwabara to take care of her?

Can I still tell Yusuke that he is a worthy opponent, but a better teammate?

I'm scared of myself. Talking to you, the only one who understood me makes me different and become the real me.

Finally, is it too late to day I'm sorry?

I'm sorry Kurama.

I'm sorry that I'm not as tough as I try to be;

That I can't even face up and fight myself;

That I have to leave you to save myself." /i 

"Hiei, I forgive you, now and always!" Kurama touched the dried black spot on the paper, presumable where another dreaded tear hit.

i "Go have fun Kurama, forget me, it's for your own good.

Go live your life out and maybe just once you can recall someone in your life,

Someone that recognized your greatness and called you his equal.

I tried to write something beautiful and heartfelt to you.

This letter is rubbish.

I tried to write. . . (this is embarrassing) poetry.

I tried to write you something that was as strong

As beautiful and elegant as you are.

Perhaps I succeeded, perhaps I failed miserably.

But I tried to undo the evils of the past.

At least we can leave each other with clean slates,

The hate, the anger and pain of yesterday forgotten in the sunrise of tomorrow.

Maybe someday, I'll watch over you and see you again.

Someday, I'll have the strength. . . " /i 

"I'll have the strength to live." Kurama finished. "In your letter, you found yourself. Even though you can't be yourself, you found it. I haven't yet discovered my place in this world. Everything inside of me is jumble up, and I'm confused. I lost the heart to live, but now I've found it again."

Kurama folded up the letter neatly and placed it by his chest, feeling his heart beat rapidly. "I have now found what I once lost." He opened his eyes, a new sparkle in them. "I feel the yokai blood flowing stronger and faster through me; I feel alive once again."

Hi! It's been a while. Next chapter is my fave, all poetry!!! It's Hiei's poems! (which are pretty good, cuz I wrote them. . .) Pain of my Love.


	10. Pain of My Love

Hiei's poetry!!!!!!!

Pain of my Love

I.

This dark, ugly world we call home.

There's nothing left besides fear

Of being left behind, alone

To cry and drown in our own tears.

Weakness has always consumed me,

And pride has made my heart smaller.

I've erased what I'm afraid to see,

The pain inside me wants to holler.

I'm sorry I've had feelings to hide,

I'm sorry that I couldn't satisfy,

But now I'm freeing with my cries,

Everything that was restrained inside.

Your heart was open, mine was cold,

Somehow with each other we fit.

You gave me all the love I could hold,

The icy block of my heart melted.

Would I have gone on believing

That I could have survived this way?

Could I have gone on with out feeling

And never said what I want to say?

II.

You are a rose Kurama,

Your strength masked beneath your beauty.

When I tried to hold you, your thorns pricked,

Reminding me how hard it was to hold

Onto something so beautiful, so dear,

So fragile.

Forever reminding me how painful

Life is. And how short lived

Love is.

The rose only blooms for a season,

It's petals withering in the cold

Of my heart.

The indifference that didn't

Quite welcome it with

Open arms.

But life is too short to pass up the roses.

I missed the ones along the road

I missed the biggest one

Of them all.

Life hurts, but roses soothe the pain,

Roses make it bearable.

Their beauty brightens the darkness

And gloom.

Roses are something worth living for.

Roses heal wounds that

Time can't

III.

The pain of my love.

A thorn through my heart.

I tried to be tough,

But it ripped me apart.

My life I regret.

My actions I despise.

I've hurt the people I've met.

I deserve my own demise.

I wonder and ask why.

Was I really so unkind?

Did I pass my life by?

Did I walk around blind?

Three eyes for me.

Gazing deeper, beyond.

But I couldn't even see

What stood right in front.

Life's too short to miss.

Loves' too much pain.

Now I reminisce

On what I never gained.

IV. Sonnet

Never say goodbye, never leave my side.

Though fate has left us to go our own ways,

I'll always see your face before my eyes.

I'll treasure the memories for all my days.

Our painful parting, many worlds apart,

Already I feel that you have forgot,

The true location of your misplaced heart.

For years my undying love you have sought.

Then, I made the wrong choice for saying no.

Rolling my dark, sarcastic, glaring eyes.

I made the dumb choice for letting you go,

Letting you slip through so close by my side.

If I can move on, my heart'll decide.

Never say goodbye, never leave my side.


End file.
